The Scoop on Poop

Obviously, I haven't been as committed to dieting as I intended. I haven't been running. I haven't been flipping my skinny switch. And now I'm looking into diets involving wine. Something has gone terribly wrong. Obviously lacking a certain motivation.

On the way in to work this morning, I heard a commercial for something called the EverCleanse. It said something about 5 to 25 pounds of poop stuck to your colon like spackel. What the hell? If that doesn't want to make you put down that bagel with cream cheese, what does? The idea of cleansing myself sounds appealing, (cleanse my soul, cleanse my colon...) whether I lose weight or not. But, what are the ground rules for this product? Are they something like this...

1. Don't wear white pants while "cleansing."
2. Make sure the bathroom near your office is unlocked and always available for you.
3. Don't trust a fart.
4. For best results, just stay home, on the toilet, for the next two weeks.

With this type of plan, you'll lose weight just because you can't make it to the fridge without having to run back to the toilet. You'll never get a chance to eat!!

This may be one plan I don't look into for you. I like it when I have control over my bowel movements. I'll have to keep searching. Until then, I'll keep being chubby in a good way...

Wine It Down

Did you know there are diets out there that not only allow you to drink wine on their plan, but recommend it!! Hello! Who knew?? I had no idea! I'm like a kid in a candy store. Sign me up! There is the Wine Diet, the Wine Lover's Diet, the Red Wine Diet... and that's just to name a few. I'm going to look into them and get back to you. I'm going to conduct thorough research, drink by drink, and give you my findings.

The good thing is that even if I don't lose weight, I'll be so drunk, I won't be able to tell!!

I'm going to go buy a bottle of wine for later. Until then, I'll keep being chubby in a good way...

It's All About the Bread

So, do you remember a few days ago when I wrote that I was going to flip my own switch?  Are you asking yourself how that's going for me? I myself am wondering.

Well... it's not going all that great. As I've already said, my weekend went down the drain as soon as vodka was thrown into the mix. But on Monday, I resolved to give it another go.  It hasn't been that bad, although it hasn't been fantastic either. I've eaten Subway, seared tuna, turkey breast, cooked veggies. Not bad, right? But, I've also eaten my favorite all time food. The food I just can't get enough of. BREAD!!!  

I could live on bread alone. When I was 15, my best friend wrapped up a dinner roll and gave it to me as a birthday gift. It was a gag gift, but I ate it! Who could resist!! Put me on a deserted island. Give me bread and butter and I will be happy. I will survive. My husband could tell me he's cheating on me. As long as he's handing me a piece of bread as he's saying it, I'm fine. Bread of any type is good. The more carbs the better, if you ask me. Bread will forever be the evil lurking around every corner. It will be the killer of all my skinny dreams. 

What's your cursed food? What kills it for you?

Anyway, I'm going to go make myself some toast now. All this bread talk has got me excited. Let's see what I think of for lunch. Until then, I'll keep being chubby in a good way...

Jessica Simpson Fat? Are You Kidding Me??

So, on this week's cover of US Magazine there is a picture of Jessica Simpson in her matronly jeans and leopard print belts. We've all seen the picture by now. Even Obama was asked about it by Matt Lauer. Can you believe that? Anyway, she supposedly has let herself go and become this big, fat cow. Are you kidding me? She looks great. I wish I were fat like that. But this whole thing about Jessica gaining weight isn't what makes me mad.

What makes me mad is this: Inside the same magazine, same issue, there is a picture of Jack Black playing on the beach with his wife. He is fatter than ever before. His stomack looks like he is 9 months pregnant with triplets. It's pretty disgusting (this coming from a Jack Black fan.) So, I quickly read the caption underneath the picture, anticipating the funny or poignant thing they're going to say about his weight. And do you know what they said?? NOTHING!! Not one word. Not one single reference to a gut the size of the globe! He's a fat ass and if Jessica Simpson is called out for her weight, he needs to be called out for his!

What a two-faced, double standard society we live in. Men grow old gracefully and look distinguished. We get fat and wrinkly. How pathetic!!

Because of this, you need to become a fan of Fernando Botero. Google his name and appreciate his art. He is a fan of Big, Beautiful Women. God bless this guy! We need a lot more just like him!

I'm going to try to get a figure more like Jessica Simpson's and less like Jack Black's. Until then, I'll keep being chubby in a good way...

Weekend Warrior

So, as you read already, I had a well-thought out plan to lose weight. I motivated myself. I wrote. I planned. I was ready to go. I could see the skinny me on the horizon.

And then came the weekend. There went that. Isn't it amazing how quickly all my plans went flying out the door?? Isn't it amazing how little thought I gave to my plan when presented with pizza and vodka?? Isn't it amazing that for not one moment, not one single second, did I think to myself "I better not eat that because I'm on a diet."?  I did none of these things. I simply ate and drank my Friday night AND Saturday night away. Wow. Look who feels stupid now!

But that's just it. I don't feel stupid. Maybe if I felt some sense of remorse or guilt for my food and drink induced coma, I'd remember that awful feeling of guilt, and not repeat my mistakes again next weekend. But, that's the problem!! I don't feel guilty at all. I look back at my weekend (which isn't over yet, by the way) and I'm happy about it. I got together unexpectedly with old friends on Friday night, and last night I had a great time out with my husband. Why do I need to regret that? I don't. To the contrary, I feel pretty great that I have old friends and a husband who I truly enjoy hanging out with. So, no guilt. No guilt whatsoever.

Oh well. It's a brand new day. Maybe I'll lose weight today or maybe even tomorrow. Until then, I'll keep being chubby in a good way...

The Skinny Switch VS Weight Watchers

I've been successful with Weight Watchers twice. The first time, I did it only on-line. The second time I couldn't get motivated on-line, so I decided to attend the meetings.  I lost about 25-30 pounds each time. I actually kept the weight off each time for about 2 years.

So, what brings me here today? FOOD, you moron. My love of FOOD!!! I paid no attention to my weight, I broke all my morning's resolutions by lunch time, I ate all the food I ever wanted to eat, never weighed myself, pretended I was skinny... And, here I am at 182. WTF?? 182??? Are you kidding me?

Anyway, no matter what I do, Weight Watchers isn't doing it for me anymore. I love the program. Will always speak highly of it. I guess I'm just bored with it now. I need more.

Then, a few days ago, I saw an infomercial for The Skinny Switch. Sounds fantastic! Sign me up! Turn my switch on and get me skinny! Well, not so fast. It's $156 for 6 months. Guess what? Don't sign me up. How do you like that?

So, today, I decided to take my dog for a "run." Who am I kidding? It was a liesurely stroll. But, in any event, a run in my mind. So, while "running", I decided to turn my own switch on. Why not flip my own switch?? I'll do it all by myself.

So, here's the plan. I'm going to eat light for 2 days in a row. By light I mean low fat and low carbs. Because of all my Weight Watcher experience, I can figure that out. Then, I'm going to eat a bit more on the 3rd day so that my body doesn't figure out what I'm doing. Tricky tricky. Your body needs to be kept on its toes. 

Anyway, there you go. There's my great plan for weight loss. I'm a genius, aren't I? And, oh yeah, I'll keep going for runs with my dog. He seemed pretty happy about it. At least that makes one of us.

Until then, I'll keep being chubby in a good way...

My First Day

Hi everyone. Welcome to my blog. I'm completely new at this. Not at trying to lose weight, but at blogging about it. We've all tried to lose weight, haven't we? There's nothing new about that. But, since I can't get my act together, since I can't seem to find any motivation to even get started, and since my ass seems to be getting out of control, I figured I'd write about my weight loss hell, I mean journey, and see how it goes. So, here I am. Yeah, what fun! Not.

Anyway, as I said in my profile, I'm a 40 year old mother of three. I'm 5'8 and I now weigh 182 lbs. It's the heaviest I've ever been (other than when I was pregnant, of course.) Some of you are now saying, "Hey. You're not chubby. You're fat." Well, forgive me for trying to make myself feel better by calling myself chubby. If you want to call yourself fat, do so. I prefer chubby. Maybe you could go with pleasantly plump. Or big-boned. Or big butt. Me? I'm gonna stick with chubby.

So, why am I chubby in a good way? I stole that phrase from my oldest daughter. Ever since she could talk, she's been telling me I'm chubby in a good way. It kind of goes like this..."Mommy, I love you." Then I say, "I love you too." Then she hugs me, looks at me with those big blue eyes, and says, "You're chubby in a good way." I think she means I'm huggable. Maybe she means I'm fat.

Anyway, today it begins. I will start my weight loss journey, and I will bring you along for the ride. I'm going to be funny. I'm going to be stupid. I'm going to be frustrated and sad. I'm going to be happy. But most importantly, I'm going to be honest. Maybe brutally so.

I'm going to try to post something every day. So, please tune in tomorrow. Feel free to leave comments. Until then, I'm going to keep being chubby in a good way.